3 Strategies for When One Partner is More Committed to Counseling Than the Other
Couples therapy can be challenging when one partner is more committed than the other. This article explores effective strategies for navigating this common dilemma in relationships. Drawing on insights from experts in the field, it offers practical approaches to create a safe environment, normalize differences, and increase engagement in counseling.
- Create Safety for Both Partners
- Normalize Differences and Set Manageable Goals
- Use Motivational Techniques to Increase Engagement
Create Safety for Both Partners
It's common for one partner to enter therapy feeling more invested than the other. For me, this difference often comes from fear rather than disinterest. The less engaged partner is usually protecting themselves from vulnerability or uncertainty about what therapy might uncover. My role as a therapist is to create an environment where both people feel emotionally safe enough to participate, rather than trying to push for equal effort right away.
When I sense an imbalance, I slow the process down and focus first on building trust. I invite the more hesitant partner to share their perspective without judgment and help the more engaged partner understand that change will come through patience, not pressure. This often means reframing therapy as a space to understand, not to fix. Once people realize they will be heard rather than blamed, their willingness to engage usually increases.
I worked with a couple where one partner was eager to repair their connection while the other was resistant and defensive. Instead of focusing on the conflict itself, we began exploring what safety and openness looked like for each of them. Over time, the resistant partner began to share more once they felt understood rather than criticized. That shift allowed the couple to communicate with honesty and curiosity instead of frustration.
For me, the most effective strategy is meeting each person where they are and pacing the work around their readiness. When both partners feel seen and respected, even small steps toward openness can create momentum. In my experience, therapy becomes more productive when it focuses on connection before change, because genuine understanding is what ultimately motivates both people to participate fully.
Normalize Differences and Set Manageable Goals
When one partner shows more commitment to counseling than the other, I first normalize the difference. It is common for partners to enter therapy at different levels of readiness. The key is to validate the invested partner's efforts while gently exploring the hesitant partner's reservations. Understanding their perspective helps reduce resistance.
I focus on creating a collaborative space where both partners feel heard. This may involve setting smaller, manageable goals that don't feel overwhelming for the less engaged partner. I often use motivational techniques, emphasizing how progress benefits the relationship as a whole, rather than singling out the less committed partner.
I also encourage self-reflection for the hesitant partner. Sometimes, participation grows when the focus shifts from "fixing the relationship" to exploring personal growth and coping strategies. This approach reduces pressure and increases openness to the process.
Finally, patience is essential. Change often comes gradually, and the more committed partner can model consistency, accountability, and vulnerability without creating conflict. Over time, this can influence the less committed partner's willingness to engage.
Use Motivational Techniques to Increase Engagement
When one partner is more committed to the counseling process than the other, the first step is often to acknowledge and normalize the imbalance. It's common for one person to feel more motivated, while the other may be ambivalent, skeptical, or emotionally guarded. Instead of forcing equal participation right away, the most effective strategy is to focus on creating a safe and non-judgmental environment where both individuals feel heard and respected.
The goal early on is to explore each partner's perspective and determine what brings them to therapy, what fears or hopes they have, and what "success" would look like for them individually and as a couple. The use of motivational interviewing (MI) techniques can be an effective strategy in this situation. MI helps the less-engaged partner explore their ambivalence and find personal reasons to participate in the process, rather than feeling pressured by their spouse or the therapist. This builds autonomy and collaboration instead of resistance.
It can also help reduce defensiveness and increase openness if the initial focus shifts from "fixing the relationship" to understanding patterns of interaction. Additionally, to help both partners see the potential value of therapy, it is common to emphasize small, achievable steps that demonstrate progress, such as practicing one positive communication exercise between sessions.
Over time, as the more hesitant partner experiences empathy, respect, and tangible change, their engagement typically increases. Ultimately, the most effective strategy combines patience, validation, and curiosity to help both partners feel invested in the process without blame or pressure.
